1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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