I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
