It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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