I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize