you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
