i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
