I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
