I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
