In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
