So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
