I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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