no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
