We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
