I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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