matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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