i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
