Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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