Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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