sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
