I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
