Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
