Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
