I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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