i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
