NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
