when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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