don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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