The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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