I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
