We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
