Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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