Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
