The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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