I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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