I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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