Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
