The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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