first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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