I'd wear matching sweaters with you
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
