I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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