I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
