Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
