i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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