Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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