I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
