At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
