I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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