Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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