Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
