You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
