I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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