why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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