The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
