well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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