Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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