i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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