Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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