at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
