Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize