Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
