saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
