im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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